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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
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Planet Earth, minus 2 people, minus 2 aliens, and minus all of the dolphins. Plus 2 crabs, 1 sperm whale, 1 bowl of petunias and an entire battle fleet of strange and warlike beings resplendent in black jeweled battle shorts. Plus two "mice."
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Night of the Comet
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The entire population of Earth in 1986 except for 6 people. Plus 2 cars.
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The Transformers: The Movie
(supposedly took place in 2005)
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1 robot planet, 7 autobots, 16 decepticons, 5 robot fish, 5 sharkticons, 2 random robots and Unicron
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Magnolia
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8, a dog, and a whole LOT of frogs
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Terminator Salvation
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53, 5 terminators, 2 motorcycle killing machines, 2 hunter killers, 8 face-eating water snake machines (a.k.a. machine face snake eaters) and Skynet Central
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Resident Evil: Apocalypse
(Rated R for non-stop violence)
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111, plus 1 that we almost missed because we were too busy talking about sex, 4 dogs, 3 lickers and an entire city (including 1 nemesis boyfriend)
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Bats
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28 people and 10,236 bats
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Hellboy
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34 plus 6 Sammaels, 1 Ogdru Jahad, and thousands of Sammael eggs
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300
(#300)
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3,971 people, 1 battle rhinocerous, 3 elephants, 1 giant wolf and a big orc-looking dude
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Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
(Starring Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas!)
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9, plus an oil rig, a whale, a plane snatched out of the air by mega shark, two U.S. navy ships, one oil tanker crew killed by pirates, one pirate crew cooked well done, 7 U.S. submarines, one Japanese submarine, one mega shark and one giant octopus
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Transformers
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2,019 humans, 1 Autobot, 3 Decepticons and 1 baby
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Time Bandits
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37, plus 1 minotaur, 1 rat, 1 Evil Genius and everyone that died on the Titanic
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Postal
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148, a baby, and all the people that died when the first plane hit the World Trade Center, including the window washer.
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The Fifth Element
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22 humans, plus an entire space battleship, 26 mangolores, 3 mondoshawans, 17 parasites and one cockroach
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Ultraviolet
(thank you aerial shots)
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310 and an unborn child
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Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
(in which all the women had huge, drawn-on eyebrows and we couldn't pay attention to the plot because we couldn't stop staring at their eyebrows)
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177 people, 1 rat, 1 head explosion
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Turok: Son of Stone
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149 people, 2 horses, 2 bucks, a monkey, a bug, a sea monster, an elephant and a pterodactyl
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Moonraker
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108, 12 pheasants, 1 python and 3 bitches banged
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Snakes on a Plane
(#100!)
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62 people, 54 snakes, 1 cat and 1 dog. Also, Samuel L. Jackson said motherfucker/ing five times.
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The Spy Who Loved Me
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44, a fish, a shark and two submarines full of guys in orange jumpsuits. Oh, and two bitches banged.
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Octopussy
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96 and a spider, and 2 bitches banged
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The Running Man
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18 before the opening titles ended, 60 innocent men, women & children, 4 stalkers and then 14 more people
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District 9
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48, a little alien dog, and 46 alien eggs
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King Kong
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26 with Ape. Also 3 dinosaurs, 4 T-Rexes, 35 various giant insects and 3 giant bats.
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Blood Diner
★Most Ridiculous Movie - 2009★
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69
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Blade
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22 humans, 46 vampires and a plant
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Total Recall
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49, plus 16 fish, 1 rat, 1 Jonny Cab and 1 three-breasted mutant hooker
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Brotherhood of the Wolf
(We miss you, Tonto.)
★Best Cinematography - 2009★
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42 people, 23 wolves, 2 dogs and a beast
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Apocalypto
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59 people, 1 tapir, 3 ants, 1 jaguar, 1 monkey and 1 snake
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The Island
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22, plus 2 police officers and 40 "defective" (read: free-thinking) clones
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Goldfinger
★Best Theme Song - 2009★
★Honorable Mention for Opening Title Sequence - 2009★
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60 and 2 bitches banged.
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GoldenEye
★Runner-up for Best Opening Title Sequence - 2009★
★Honorable Mention for Theme Song - 2009★
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60 and 2 bitches banged
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The Nest
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7 people, 1 dog, 1 rat, 1 cat-roach, 1 roach-man, 1 Roach Master Deluxe and at least 36 roaches
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Underworld
(It's hard to tell when they're immortal.)
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15 vampires, 29 lycan and one half lycan, half vampire fetus
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For Your Eyes Only
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27, 1 British spy ship disguised as a fishing vessel, and one bitch banged
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The Scorned
(Basically soft-core porn)
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4, plus 1 death by a kamikaze goldfish, 2 deaths by lava lamp, one phone and all of the careers of the “actors” involved in making this movie.
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Dead Alive
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37, 1 rat monkey, 1 monkey, 1 dog and 1 rat
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Big Trouble in Little China
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35 and a thing they called a guardian but which I think looks like a beholder. Not a behemoth, which is what I said the first time. Wrong b word.
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The Shadow Walkers
(Did Danny Draven edit this? Cause he was already fired.)
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15 before the opening titles and then 12 more, plus 8 genetically-altered mutants
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Pet Sematary II
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7 people, 2 dogs (1 euthanized, 1 shot), 3 kittens, 22 rabbits, and 1 zombie rape
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Tremors
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9 people, 20 sheep, 1 horse, 4 graboids
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Cyborg
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34, all human, including a toddler
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Blood Gnome
★Worst Lighting - 2008★
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26 plus A-MAN-da and 6 blood gnomes
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Bloody Mallory
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8, 17 ghouls, a demon, a succubus, a black cat, a rat and a vampire
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Broken Arrow
(Where do I even begin? Worst Set Design, Worst Director - John Woo, Worst Score, Worst Continuity, and a romance that I cannot handle.)
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27
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The Tripper
★Best Jack of all Trades Award - 2008, awarded to David Arquette★
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24 and 2 dogs
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